By Joe Procopio

What do you get for the geek who has everything?

I know. This is a dilemma wrapped in an enigma and smothered in awkward sauce.

As a guy with an eye for tech culture and many friends in the technology industry, I’m always on the lookout for new gift ideas, especially as we roll towards the end of fiscal fourth quarter – I mean the holidays.

Techies are notoriously hard to shop for, what with our tightly sealed personal lives, penchant for arrogance and condescension, and instinctive nature to pounce on any new gadget or gizmo regardless of its relative usefulness or budget dentability.

I’m here to help. And this isn’t just for the techies among us, it’s for the techie in all of us. So I’ll encourage everyone who wants something new and shiny to leave this magazine open to this page in a conspicuous place in your home. Here it is, in English, the Theory of Geek Gift Relativity.

The first part of the theory has to do with trending and analysis. Bear with me, if there’s anything we techies love, it’s trending and analysis. Data is just numbers, but the story it tells is rich and complex, Like The King of Kong.

Scale of Geek Chic

I’ll label each gift idea using the following scale. This will help you determine what kind of geek you’re living with and whether or not the gift is worth buying. This scale was developed in a think tank with several physics formulas and a cash infusion from two highly respected venture capitalists. So you know it works.

Early Adopter – What is cutting edge technology for you is yesterday’s blog post for them. If you’re buying for an Early Adopter and have the means, pick one of these gifts up. They will undoubtedly be excited even though all the bugs haven’t been worked out and Google probably has something coming out in a few weeks that will make it obsolete.

Mainstreamer – If you’re shopping for a Mainstreamer, you’ll probably be plagued with long lines and short supply. But fear not, your gift will be worth the effort and will undoubtedly end up attached to their belt come January.

The Waiter – These are the easiest geeks to shop for. They love technology and hate getting burned. Usually, any of last year’s Mainstreamer gifts will do. But be forewarned, they may or may not have pulled the trigger on one of these already, so a little snooping is in order.

The Comebacker – These are the tricky folks that wait for the hype to die down completely and then jump in. You can spot a Comebacker these days by their Motorola Razrs, original iPods, and Police concert tour T-shirts. Again, I would advise you to snoop around first, because if you pick the wrong thing, there’s a chance they may have already regifted one.

DOA – Forget about it. These gifts have either passed their prime or never really caught on and probably aren’t for anyone. Except non-geeks. Geeks, however, will smile and nod at you on opening said gift, but chuckle behind your back and make jokes about going back to the Mesozoic era and/or Michael Jackson-style zipper jackets. Please understand that they’re not trying to be mean and judgmental, it’s like a disease with them.

And now the other end of the equation, the gifts.

gPhone = Early Adopter
I want this with the hot sweaty desire that got all those Macheads itchy about the iPhone. But beware, the fact that this is a Google product does not necessarily exempt it from being bested by Google on December 26th. The first-to-market HTC/T-Mobile G1 is not a safe bet, but if you’re shopping during the holiday season and for the first mover, it will be the only bet.

iPhone = Comebacker
Speaking of improvements, don’t overlook the iPhone this year. It was the must-have tech toy last year, but it was painful to learn from Jobs’ mistakes, and those of us who waited may finally see some comfort level. You’ll still be tied to AT&T and a contract is still required. But if you can handle the long-term relationship, the App Store makes the iPhone a player again this holiday season, and the price reductions and upgrade to 3G speeds makes it worth giving.

iPod = Comebacker
If you’re not into giving the gift of long term commitments and data-charged phone bills, an iPod will accomplish the same thing. You’ll be happy to know that the bum rush on the iPod is finally over. Now, just about everyone who wants an iPod has one, but there are newer, better models available at prices that won’t break the bank. The iPod, and especially the Nano, are no longer shocker gifts a la Michael Scott at the Office Christmas Party, but if you know someone who doesn’t have one, or has an older model, the slimmer and more functional models could make the perfect gift.

Netbook = Early Adopter
Us hardcore techies have been fussing about the netbook for months now, years in some circles, especially since Asus eee is no longer the only option. On the plus side, they’re tested, inexpensive, and super cool. On the down, if you know someone who has a need in their day-to-day that requires more functionality that a smartphone but is too spontaneous for a full blown laptop, the activity that triggers this need is probably illegal or at least unethical, and may involve smuggling of some sort of product from North Korea or the new “scary” Russia.

Laptop = Waiter
Last year was the point at which most techies made the move away from a desktop as their primary or only computer. So this year the mania has died down and you can get an unbelievable deal on a desktop-replacement-quality laptop. You should be paying in the $500-$700 range. However, you can easily take home a $500 piece of garbage. My advice: Take a geek with you to pick one out (just not the geek you’re buying for, that’s tacky).

Media Center = Early Adopter
I bought a desktop this year. You heard me. I plunked down about $400 for a very powerful but totally immobile and reprehensibly unhip beige box. Why? Because with a little geekery, I now have what amounts to a 500GB Tivo, a Netflix download viewer, a killer home stereo system with built in collection, and the biggest freaking Digital Picture Frame you’ve ever seen. The idea of computer as Media Center is an odd one, in that you don’t realize how awesome it will be until it’s actually up and running. Microsoft continues to learn this concept the hard way (Vista).

Digital Photo Frame = DOA
This looked so good on paper, and honestly, for certain people, a digital photo frame is a nice token. But for the geek, I can’t recommend it at all. In the five or so years that they’ve been on the mainstream market, the quality has not improved so much, the prices have not gone down so much, and that spells tech death.

Console Game System (except Wii) = Waiter
Last year, the Wii was another must-have item on everyone’s list, and in turn CRUSHED the fortunes of the Xbox 360 and PS3. Although Halo 3, Gears of War, and the Blu-ray victory pushed those fortunes back up, it was enough of a blow to start a price war.

Wii = Mainstreamer
HOWEVER, enthusiasm for the Wii has not dropped off. Expect it to be a must-have item and in low supply again this year. People are buying the Wii as a second console, which hasn’t been heard of since the Atari 2600/Merlin days.

DVD Player = DOA (except blu-ray = Early Adopter)
So with the coming of age of Consoles, Media Centers, Netflixes, Tivos, iPods and the dozens of other media players for hand, for lap, and for living room, the age of downloadable content is fully upon us and the cycle of DVD is quickly coming to a close. I, for one, have purchased my last DVD (well, with the exception of collectors items with bonus footage or action figures or glow-in-the-dark stickers – come on, I’m only human).

The exception to this rule is Blu-ray. Calling a clear winner in the HD-format wars quickly brought about price-reductions and a boom in available content. However, we’re all still pretty much satisfied with the upconversion on our existing DVD players – if we still have them, so only those true videophiles among us will appreciate the difference Blu-ray makes.

HDTV = Waiter
Another of last year’s Mainstreamer’s items, you can now get a big 1080p HDTV for not a lot of money, comparatively. And despite conventional wisdom, the TV is the center of every techie’s universe, not the computer. The TV is where we learn our catch-phrases, our fashion dos-and-don’ts, and what music everyone else likes. Prices have dropped precipitously and… talk about wow factor. If you give me an HDTV for Christmas, I will bake you a batch of cookies every month for the next year. They’ll taste like feet, but that’s not the point.

GPS = Waiter
The smart people are telling us that GPS functionality has become ubiquitous. That means that if it’s not already in your car, you can get it in a standalone handheld, a mobile phone, a keychain via Bluetooth – it won’t be long before we’re chipping everything. Laptops, pets, kids, everything.

Roomba = Waiter
The Roomba is genius. It’s a robot that cleans your house and does so quietly, efficiently, and with a long track record of never rising up and declaring war on humanity. The Roomba is a little expensive, but it’s a great gift. Most of us don’t have one, because we didn’t want to be seen buying one in the Sharper Image. But even if we have one, we want two.

So they can fight.

–
Joe Procopio is the founder of Intrepid Media, a technical and management consulting and services firm (intrepidmedia.net) and a publishing company/creative network (intrepidmedia.com). He is currently writing Gleaning the Cube, a collection of humorous techie columns that includes exclusive new material. He has asked us to remind you that you give holiday gifts to your postal carrier, trash hauler, dog walker, and hair stylist, so why not the guy who makes you laugh every month? He can be reached at joe@intrepidmedia.net.

 

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